The Wisdom of No Escape

About 10 years ago, I was in a massage and as soon as pressure was placed on my back's left side, I winced. My muscles held tightly and did not release. It was such an odd experience for me because I had never before had my body tell me so directly, STOP. In the last decade, I have had several Reiki masters, energy workers, body workers and masseuse work on this particular spot. Most of the time, without success, I would leave the session feeling less interested in releasing it. Defeated. Uninspired. Except twice. And one of those was today. 

The first time of victory was when my Mom brought in a California Reiki master and personal friend, Wendy, to stay at My Mom's home and provide sessions. Wendy's table was set up in my childhood bedroom, now a bit of a sanctuary space. Tears rolled down my face for much of the time. I felt taken care of and emptier. Childhood experiences surfaced and I cried. I didn't try to make sense of it; I just let myself be a mess. 

The other; today. I was laying on my belly anticipating the sheet's pull off my back; exposing. The air was cold. My back, broad. 

"My back is really sensitive; just a heads up," I said. 

" Yes, I remember," was her reply. 

And so when the lock came; she gently backed off. 

"It's making me weepy."

 { side note; I know this doesn't make sense to all readers but having a mother who brought energy workers to our home for much of my life; each side of our body in certain theory is masculine or feminine. Masculine is  associated with the right side; Feminine with the left.} 

* I shared this tidbit with the masseuse.

"Are you a Mom?" she questioned. 

"My husband has kids; but I'm not a "bio" Mom" was my reply. 

gut= sadness

"Do you want to have kids?" 

"I don't know the answer to that yet." 

"That's fair." she replied. 

I wanted to cry for not knowing. I wanted to cry for thinking I was supposed to know and not knowing. I felt sad using the word "Bio-Mom." Grief emerged for the child that may never be. I grieve as a woman in my 30's and recently married, who confronts common questions and comments like "Do you want kids?" "Does Sean want more kids?" "Are you trying?" "Oh! You're not feeling well... is it because...?" 

And you know,  it never really bothered me, honestly. But today, it did. 

So today, I cried. 

Years ago I sought a book titled The Wisdom of No Escape. These two experiences remind me of the diligence I owe to myself to not run from the mess of it; the questions I have. the pressure I feel. To not try to hide from it or give up on it. That even uncertainty is a place I can hang my hat up on. And maybe, even the wisdom is there. 

With love, Halle

IMG_8074.jpg