I have been looking for the right format to share my feelings in. I made a therapy appointment. I wrote my emotions down. I went back and forth in my mind about if this was the “right” platform or place to share. I’m still not entirely sure about this idea and I’m doing it anyway because this 3 SISTERS space is a community that I feel accepted by and in, thank you for that dear readers. My feelings need to be voiced. I feel lucky to have this platform to share on days like today. It’s a rainy, gloomy day in Chicago despite my sunny outlook and I just finished taking a look at our studio payroll, while zipping a text to Courtney, and the urge to share this blog hit me hard.
As I sip my coffee and sit at Whole Foods, a feeling of gratitude just washed over me. Who am I to enjoy this hot & delicious coffee as I type on an expensive Apple computer and think about the yoga studio I own part of? I feel lucky & good in this exact moment.
But, I don’t feel lucky every moment. The truth is, that motherhood some days; it hits me like a ton of bricks. I want to share here because a lot of our audience is moms. It is women just like me who are every day, giving so much care to others and perhaps feeling some of the things I feel.
In this blog today, I want to shed light on some of the “negative” things I have felt as it relates to motherhood because my belief is that those emotions deserve a voice too. Negative is in quotation marks because I am not entirely convinced that they are negative, but they sure are uncomfortable. These emotions teach me, they expand me, they are part of the whole me. It allows me feel less alone when I share. I usually learn that I am not the only one. In our culture that overly values positivity, the willingness to go to the dark side inspires me in others, there’s a lot to learn there for me. This blog is not about the joys of motherhood, which are plentiful as well, but that is a topic for another day.
The gloomy feelings of Motherhood:
My sense of self changed, who am I?
My body changed, it physically feels & looks differently than it did prior to becoming a mom. Society might tell me that I am less attractive and not as youthful. I choose, most moments, not to believe what I am told.
Some days I’m bored; I’m bored of reading the same children’s book, singing wheels on the bus and going through the same routine day after day. Some days, if I have to change one more diaper, I might scream.
I’m lonely, craving adult conversation and connection. I find myself trying to spark conversation at the grocery store, coffee shop, can anyone just talk to me?!
I feel judged at times.. .am I doing this right? When another mom, who is probably just tired, at Little Gym comments, “Wow, he sure is a talker'“, I can’t help but sense a bit of judgement in her voice as if I should quiet my child.
I feel envious of those moms who seem to love it so much and want ten children, because, many moments, I do not.
I sometimes feel angry that my life changed so drastically overnight.
I feel resentful that my husbands didn’t change as much.
My friendships changed, spontaneity no longer feels accessible to my social calendar, if there is a social calendar.
Guilt… the guilt that I am not doing enough for my kid or that I’m not with him enough or that I’m not enjoying every moment. If I allowed it, guilt might take over my life!
As I write these, I realize none of these feelings are alive in me in this moment, they feel almost foreign because they are not my current state of mind, but that doesn’t make them untrue. That is the thing about emotions, they feel so real and so permanent while we are feeling them. I am practicing accepting what is and being honest about all of it. If I give a voice and a space to those places that aren’t enjoyable to visit, overall, I feel more whole.
As I re-read my feelings, I realize that I am not seeking pity. In fact, I am seeking acceptance and openness from others to be willing to go there. I crave connection with those women who are willing to be vulnerable and let me in enough to see the joys & the discomfort. I am not saying that I want to show up as Debbie Downer in all my relationships, but I do want there to be a safe space to share the parts of life that aren’t pretty.
So, if you are sitting in one of the emotions that’s not that fun to feel, please know, you are allowed to feel how you feel. Make space for discomfort, welcome it in. You are a good mom. You are loved. You are more than enough.