Anger inward

I absofuckinloutely deserve it. Anger. Liberation. Grinding my teeth. Breathing shallow. As I work to change my old belief that the expectations I set for myself were so high that I really couldn't reach them to acceptance of who I am right here, right now and trust in my own pure intention, anger has surfaced. How did it take me so long to love my crooked unique path? Why did I buy in to the notion that who I was wasn't enough? Why does it feel so hard to change? 

 

I haven't felt anger in a long time. I suppressed it. I dismissed it. I didn't let myself feel it. But for the last 6 years I have been trying to love myself. 

 

And the longer I walk in life the more tools I've collected to get there. I write love notes on my mirror. Leave Affirmations in my car. I breathe deep and meditate. I run. Incorporate a lot of movement. Journal. I pause and feel my heart expand when I think about the idea of loving myself. I engulf myself in nature. And question.

 

When I grew up, high expectations were a thing. Whether self induced of parent or environment, one wouldn't be able to break that down. But good grades, involvement, selectivity, moderation, it was there and it was real. And it worked. I remained not only in tact, I thrived. Fear of fucking up left me with one option, head down, run towards the goal. Get to it. Expect it. And while I accomplished a lot, I'm not sure I really believed that they were accomplishments. They felt like expectations. 

 

And I hadn't stopped to ask myself, "what do I believe?" Which leaves me in self conflicted question. 

 

I trust that the last 30 years of my life have been absolutely breath taking and hard and beautiful.  And I operated in what I did know. Which worked. But the feeling of fear that motivated me as opposed to love, I'm letting go. 

 

I want to love myself as I am. With legs that grow dark hair in two days, a heart that is as big as my whole middle section, a curious mind that seeks knowing, and a self that doesn't know a lot. And be more than okay with that, be proud of that. I don't know. I'm not sure. Im so willing to ask and find out, but my expectation is that life is so much more graceful than what I've been living. So much softer. Less judgement. Less need to control. Because I love the idea of life as it is. And I love the idea of embracing my own sweet life day in and day out. 

 

So I Question. Question my knowingness with ease and love And I break away from a really old belief in order to see differently. In order to love more. I drop the expectation that I have to know in order to be worthy. I drop the control that I thought existed in order to feel worthy. I deserve it. I absolutely deserve it. 

 

 

Ps. After rereading my blog and a discussion on a beautiful sunny breezy shoreline, I wanted to share more. 

 

I write this blog for people who do feel anger inward. I had a professor who said depression is anger inward. I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it. But he was right. I had bottled up anger towards myself for not having seen things sooner. For dismissing gut checking moments. And so you too, you're allowed to be angry. And it's even okay if you're angry at yourself for all of the things you could have said or done and time that feels wasted. How frustrating. And. Release it. Release that you have to be it all. With human condition, you will absolutely choose wrong. Love yourself then, too. 

 

Sending love from my self love bank to yours,

Xo halle